If I ran The Academy: An Oscars for The People

Awards season is once again upon us. The Academy Of Motion Picture Sciences has just released their nominees for Best Picture of 2006. Not surprisingly the list is comprised of fruity, highbrow art house drivel we’ve come to expect from Hollywood. We have been presented with a list of left leaning political agendas scantly veiled in a shroud called “art”. I for one think the American public deserves a little more respect for their unwavering dedication to the “art” of being entertained. I’d like to be but one small voice that is unashamed to sing the praises of the movies we true Americans held dear this year; Therefore, for your consideration: an alternative list to this years Oscar nominations.

The Academy nominated: The Departed

I nominate: Final Destination III

Martin Scorsese sure does love that one Rolling Stone’s song Gimme Shelter, well Marty, why don’t you Gimme a Break! I mean how in the hell did he even finish this thing, what with and lines of nubile sluts outside of Jack Nicholson’s trailer and Leo’s whining about the environment and the diamonds. Did you know that the source material is Chinese or some other such foreignness? The only thing not gay about this film was Marky Mark. Alternatively, Final Destination III was awesome! Did you see that guy’s head fly clean off when the roller coaster derailed!? Or how about that gnarly electrocution scene in the shark tank with the dildo and the monkey! Fuck yeah! When I “Departed” that other movie, Final Destination III was my, well, final destination!

The Academy nominated: Letters From Iwo Jima

I nominate: The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift

I sat through this whole movie thinking where is Private Ryan and why aren’t we trying to save him rather than sitting around worrying about the feelings of the ENEMY. DEAR MR. CLINT EASTWOOD: When did you stop being a badass and start touching yourself in public? We the people want to know. Fast and Furious more accurately depicts the Japanese. They drive fast cars, sing karaoke and are in the Yakuza. This movie is just so entertaining. The Japanese in it are colorful characters whose worst offence perpetrated against the Americans (played here by the kid from Sling Blade and in a career making role, Lil’ Bow Wow) is making them eat dust.

The Academy nominated: Babel

I nominate: Looking For Comedy in The Muslim World

I’m not going to lie, Babel was a real drag. Brat Pitt is best when hot and sweaty NOT hot and weepy! People die in this movie; there is political stuff in this movie. SOMEBODY is trying to make a point. Forgive me if I’ll take a punch line over a point any day! Granted, I did not see Looking For Comedy in The Muslim World but I love the title! What a great idea! Osama Bin Laffin’! Nuri Kamal al Maliki-hee-hee! We Americans deserve chuckle fest and Brad Pitt and the yummy little Gael Garcia Bernal deserve tight t-shirts and heroism, not PC drivel and tears.

The Academy nominated: The Queen

I nominate Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties

Both of these movies take place in London but only one of them stars an overweight lasagna-loving scamp! Not true, I hear Liz loves lasagna too but she does have a tiresome accent and affected manners. Boy can she talk! She’s very pinched and repressed in this film which takes place during the weeks following the death of the so called “People’s Princess” Diana. FACT: America has a princess too and her name is Jennifer Love Hewitt. She is resplendent here as John’s love interest in this cross continental romp of a delight. Bill Murray or Tony Blair? Yeah, that’s what I thought. God may save the queen but he parties with Garfield and Co.!

The Academy nominated: Little Miss Sunshine

I nominate: Little Man

I guess the idea is a precocious 10 year old, a “wacky”, “ dysfunctional” family that includes a gay and old man, put them all in a bus and see what happens. Well, guess what happened, NOTHING. Nothing happened! Now picture this. A black man is on the lam and is a midget and he pretends to be a baby so he can nurse off white women. Now, that’s What’s happenin’! In Little Man, we get none of this namby pamby talk of Proust (WHO?!?) and alienation and acceptance. What we DO get is a one-two comedy punch to the gut! Just when I thought the Wayan’s brothers could soar no higher, they follow their riveting and insightful “White Chicks” with a film that not only gets you in the funny bone, it gets you in the thinking bone. What challenges would a person face if they had the face of a convict and the body of a baby? Would the baby man be taken seriously? Could he buy alcohol? How might he operate a motor vehicle? Little Miss Sunshine “Misses” the mark big time. I’m sorry but in this pageant, the Little Man takes the crown (and the breast!).

So friends, there are MY nomination for Best Picture of the year. I hope this has helped you think critically about what Hollywood presents to you. Remember folks, none of the Academy’s choices this year made any money at all. Big Momma’s House 2 made more money then any movie on this list (with the exception of The Departed which was summarily whupped by Ice Age: The Meltdown). I have high hopes for 2007. Chris Tucker’s comin’ for you!

Man Of The Year

I just saw the greatest Robin Williams movie EVER. It’s called Man of the Year and if it doesn’t win an Oscar for Picture of the Year, then I’m going to be the Saddest Person of the Year. This movie is better even then Patch Adams, which was my favorite movie for a like ten years. That was until I saw RV! You know, just when you think that Robin Williams can’t get any funnier, WHAM BAM POPEYE MAAM, he nails it AGAIN! But I digress. The greatness of this film lies not only in Robin Williams’ brave and hilarious performance but in the message and promise this film promotes.

In Man of the Year, Robin portrays an everyman who somehow becomes President of the United States of America. Wouldn’t it be great if we really could wrench our government out of the clutches of greedy, compromised, hypocritical, honkey, geriatric, amoral, white bread chicken-shit motherfuckers and give it back to the people? And why shouldn’t that people be Robin Williams, a drunken coke addict who fucked his children’s nanny and made What Dreams May Come? It got me thinking about what other non-politicos might make a great President. Since George W. has lowered the bar so far that not even one of those weird, flat, boneless snake things could limbo under it? This person doesn’t have to be white, this person doesn’t even have to be a man. This person can be whoever your dreamy mind can think up. This IS still AMERICA for fucks sake!

Therefore, my nomination for President is The Nice Mexican Crossing Guard Lady. This woman is extraordinary. She is the best crossing guard I have ever seen. She rides her bike to the corner every single weekday and she makes sure to park it off to the side so the kiddies have plenty of room. She has an orange vest and a sign that reads STOP in big letters and people, she is not afraid to use it. Her intersection has a light and it is pretty busy in the mornings. The kids, naturally drawn to her motherly mien, gather round close while waiting for the light to change. When the time comes she not only uses her sign but she gets right out there, putting her substantial body between the traffic and her wards. She walks the kids right across the street, ushering them along at their own place, never rushing. If the light changes, the cars will wait, she makes sure of that. Not only does she protect the children, she is a watcher-over of ALL peoples. You don’t have to be a kid. The other day she was very careful with a nice, capable looking man dressed in his business casual wear and she walked him across the street as if he were an autistic child with a seizure disorder. He gladly accepted her help with a smile because how could you not appreciate her care and dedication? This woman would obviously make an excellent President. I’d like her platform to be Immigration Reform, Universal Health Care and smacking that little freak Kim Jong Il upside the head with her STOP sign of love. There may be a problem with her nomination, as I don’t think she was born in this country but then again who ever thought a 300-pound sexually perverse body-builder Austrian cum Kennedy could be become Governor of California. In this country, ANYTHING can happen.

Whom might YOU choose to be Man or Woman of the Year?

Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus: Teen Wolf III: All Grown Up!

I’ve been waiting and waiting for nearly a decade for my favorite film franchise, Teen Wolf, to actualize itself with a third installment, completing the trilogy it was always meant to be. Much thanks to a sweet Hollywood casting coup, the “Teen Wolf” in question, Lionel (all grown up), is played by Robert Downey Jr. Co-starring is Nicole Kidman as subversive photographer Diane Arbus and Lionel’s nosey neighbor. This film is directed by Steven Shainberg, the director of Secretary so it has that indie vibe going for it but there is nothing indie about Lionel’s blockbuster antics!

This third installment finds Robert Downey Jr. filling the big lupine shoes vacated by Jason Bateman and Michael J Fox before him. In this prequel, Downey plays it for laughs as Lionel, a werewolf living and loving in New York City circa 1956. Lionel lives in a crummy apartment building and has the crummy job of being the building super. In one of the opening scenes he slips and falls is a puddle he’s made while mopping the hallway. It’s a classic prat fall/banana peel type slip, no doubt a skill Downey honed while researching his role as Charlie Chaplin. Lionel spends his days in seclusion, listening to the radio and making miniatures of the buildings residents out of chewed up paper towels. He also builds elaborate rattraps baited with human feces. Things get wacky when one night, under a full moon, Lionel gets a funny tingle in his spine. His face and body start to itch and he is surprised to find himself trying to scratch with his legs! Lionel rushes to the bathroom and is shocked to see in the mirror that his face is covered in silky black hair! Not just his face, but his whole body. He howls in dismay! He howls so loud and for so long that he eventually howls himself to sleep, little angel. He is awakened by a loud knock on the door. Pushy little Diane Arbus bursts in, “what’s all this racket!?!” then a blistering scream! “What the?!?!”. I think Nicole Kidman gets mad props for once again pushing the boundaries of physicality. She doesn’t have a prosthetic nose or anything but I’m totally buying her as a tiny Jewish woman.

After getting over her initial shock, Diane asks Lionel if she can touch his face and he says that yes she may. This leads to, frankly, an inappropriately perverse sex scene that is totally at odds with the comedic romp tone that has been established. I’ll not go into any details here but I would think twice before bringing any children or prudish adults to this film.

During their post-coital reverie, Diane asks two big favors of Lionel. First she asks if he would be willing to sit for her as a photographer’s model. She says this while lovingly stroking his densely pelted chest. The second favor is that she needs a partner for her bowling league since her husband can’t be bothered. Lionel explains that he would be glad to pose for her but that he is no bowler. One more deeply disturbing sex scene unfolds and in the next post-coital shot Lionel agrees to bowl. WHAT A DOG!!

Well, I’ll tell you what, Lionel may have been a terrible bowler before but watch out world because the power of the wolf is in full effect! Lionel and Diane get matching bowling outfits and hit the lanes in style. There is an AWESOME montage set to Hungry Like The Wolf (not period but very appropriate) where Lionel bowls over the competition! The rest of the league is made up of sundry freaks and miscreants. There’s a giant, some trannies, a set of Siamese twins, obese nudists and a republican. I don’t want to spoil the rest of this great movie for you. There is a big bowling tournament and then Diane has a big Gallery opening. Lionel stays furry and awesome, proves his meddle and saves more than one day! As an added treat there are cameo appearances by Jason Bateman as the stuffy Gallery owner and Stiles from the original teen wolf shows up as Lionel’s Mexican midget sidekick. This uplifting and hilarious movie would be a treat for the whole family save for the icky sex mentioned earlier. For those who can get past the “Dirty Sanchez” et al, Fur: An Imaginary Portrait of Diane Arbus: Teen Wolf III: All Grown Up! is well worth the wait!

Pinata

This movie is as sexy as it is scary. I was expecting something with candy inside but inside was something way more scary. I’m just as sick of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles as the next person but when that donkey was painted up to look like a zebra I nearly crapped my pants and wished I had a nice and cute Rafael to hold my hand with his flipper. To be fair, there was one part when the main lady’s boobies looked fake but other than that I felt the real live terror and stimulating excitement from PINATA deep into my core. I heard the sequel will be a hard hat. I’m hiding under the covers for that one!

Snakes on a Plane? C’mon give me an expletive deleted break!

Snakes on a Plane (S.O.A.P.!) is a film like putrid blue algae gravy on a lake of once bloated, now liquefied corpses. I wish I had loved this film, I really do. This movie starts off bad and gets worse, then it gets ok for a minute before it turns a horrifyingly inane corner and smacks its shitty face into a wall of shinola.

This movie, and I don’t think I’m giving anything away here, is about an airplane with people on it. The airplane also has a least one barking dog in the cargo hold but he’s not who you should be afraid of. Some “bad guy” wants to hurt people so he sneaks some snakes on the plane. Get it?! SNAKES ON A PLANE. There are little snakes, big snakes, medium snakes, Gummi snakes and the coal kind you light on the 4^th on July. There is a guy with snake skin boots (NOT Samuel L. Jackson as you might guess but another guy, a white guy with an indeterminate accent whose character also has the “quirk” of shoving peanuts down his gob every five minutes. They call it CHARCTER DEVELOPMENT people!). There’s a stripper who dances with a snake in heavy metal videos and there is a Tibetan “Snake Doctor” who has a bone in his nose for some reason. I guess so we know he possesses “ancient tribal secrets”. Oh and there is a mongoose, but get this, he’s a freaking vegetarian! Oh lord, what a mess.

Anyway the movie unfolds as our hero, SLJ, picks his afro with one hand and eats a BBQ Pork rib in the other hand. He also has a 40 in his lap and it’s freezing his balls. He hears a hisssssssssssing noise and his eyeballs bug out of his head. I though this was VERY culturally insensitive. I was further shocked when he opened his mouth and yelled, “Can a nigga get a table dance up in this bitch?!” Then a blond stewardess came over and took the 40 into her hand, drank of it and gave Mr. Jackson a lap dance. Then we see a snake trying to come out of his pants! That was the one scary part I think.

In another shot we have the dude with the snakeskin boots getting up to use the bathroom. There is some suspenseful music, kinda like the Jaws theme but with more horns. In a close up of his backside we see he has sat in a teeming nest of baby Gummi snakes and they are all stuck to his ass.

The rest of the “film” goes on in the same vein. Snake, negro, honkey, hooker, snake, we all know the formula.

In summation, I don’t recommend this movie to anybody with a life threatening illness that could take you quickly enough to have this be the last movie you see. I also don’t recommend it to seniors, young children, tweens, unwed mothers, pets or persons with substance abuse problems.

The Grudge 2, The Grudge in Paradise

Sorry folks but Anthony Edwards could not even be persuaded to stoop this low! But fear not! Sarah Michelle Geller and the rest of the gang (Scooby, Shaggy, Velma and that guy from Chico and The Man) are back for more screeching hysterics!

At the conclusion the The Grudge 2 we see our heroine safely back in the US of A after her harrowing Tokyo ordeal. Nightmares of that creepy Japanese kid have abated and she’s moved on to a new life shilling Lorielle Hair Care Products. I’d like to know just who would buy hair dye from a woman who had eyeball poking through her scalp but maybe that’s just me. The Grudge 2 opens with her getting a phone call from her old Adam’s College buddy Booger, inviting her to a fabulous Bahaman vacation. Booger has it all planned, the whole gangs going and it’s going to be AWESOME. But my friends, something fucking creepy is afoot. A DISMEMBERED FOOT.

When Sarah Michelle arrives at the airport there is a white guy in a Rasta wig there to pick her up. We know this because he holds a sign up that reads “Da end be near bruddah” and “here for da sexy blond lady”. This part is played to hilarious effect by Jack Black. Sarah settles into the back of the limo as Jack sparks up an ENORMOUS doobie and pulls into traffic. If good old JB isn’t the funniest man in movies today then I don’t know who is! Maybe John Heder, MAYBE. Anyway, Sarah Michelle settles into the ride, nostalgic college memories running through her mind. There is a montage you see. The montage is set to The Pina Colada Song: Escape. We are taken back to the time she had sex with her sexy brother Ryan Philippe on a crazy dare. We see that one hilarious weekend at Bernie’s. And who could forget the time she and the redheaded lesbian witch stole the mascot of Adam’s College, Spike the horse, and snuck him into the Dean’s office. There is also an inexplicable scene of her running in place on the beach while a nasty drill sergeant yells and spits in her face. The ringing of her phone interrupts her reverie. She answers and we hear a spooky voice intoning the words “grudge match, grudge match, grudge match”. Sarah screams “who is this, what do you want?” or some such thing and hurls the phone out the window. Jack leans over the back of his seat, exhales a giant plume of blue smoke in her face and says “dats right sistah, we don’t need no cell phones in paradise” followed by maniacal laughter and an acceleration of the gas and a screeching of the tires and are we supposed to be worried for our poor heroine or are we supposed to be laughing at this mockery of everything scary and or Caribbean?

Ok, at this point I could care less about the Adam’s College reunion, I want to see some fucking menace. There is only a little menace. A dirty begger child gives a cryptic warning. A smudged mirror reflects someone or something behind her. A water glass begins to ripple. A cat walks backwards. And who keeps calling and shouting “grudge match”?

SPOILER ALERT

Ok so it’s Kristy Swanson, the original Buffy. I don’t know what she’s so sore about. According to IMDB she has not been idle. She starred in Deadly Friend, Flowers in the Attic, something called The Chili Con Carne Club and who could forget her stirring work in Mannequin 2: On the Move?!

To summarize, The Grudge 2, The Grudge in Paradise is not as scary as the first one. We’ve kinda seen it all before. It is better than the planned remake of Revenge of the Nerds being produced by Adam Brody of the OC fame and starring that chick from Laguna Beach. Not as good as Rosemary’s Baby but better then say, Leprechaun 3: Leprechaun in Da Hood.